Ask Dr. Nicki

"Ask Dr. Nicki" is a monthly column that can be read in the slick, hip on-line Los Angeles Lifestyle Magazine LA2DAY.com.  Click on the "Health and Beauty" section.  Be sure to also read Dr. Nicki's "The Psychotherapist Expert" Column also at LA2DAY.com

The Power of Powerlessness

Power. Powerlessness. Power. Lessness. Pow.

Powerlessness is perhaps the most maligned, most misunderstood adventure of all. The majority of us would rather chew glass than face the slings and arrows of what is considered to be outrageous powerlessness. We turn away from it, defend against it, manage and thrust our way through it, and as much and as often as possible, deny its importance or value.

The problem is that without looking powerlessness smack dab in its beady little red eye, we can never truly transform ? nor even can we fully realize Life's intention for us. That means if we do not face the truth of our own powerlessness it is unlikely that we will see a blossoming of our greatest potential. Sounds dire, doesn't it? Well it is. 

                                                Powerlessness is Not?

All right then ? let?s start with what powerlessness is not: It is not weakness ? though most certainly we may feel puny in the face of it. It is not collapse ? though we are frequently apt to feel deflated while in its embrace.  It is not subtle ? though we may stubbornly refuse to recognize what precisely is afoot. And it is not personal ? though when its scrawny, unforgiving tentacles grip us we usually feel alien, alone and chosen.

                                                 Powerlessness Is?

So WHAT then exactly IS POWERLESSNESS? Powerlessness is primarily: The loss of the Illusion of Control. Yes, the illusion, because face it - in actuality, we are not in charge of how everything turns out. All the huffing and puffing in the world will not change this truth. We can plan, scheme, manipulate or decide all we want to ? but Life has its own plan.

Indeed, our only real ?authority? in this life revolves more around the moment-to-moment quality, authenticity and presence we allow ourselves to exhibit, express and experience. Our job actually and specifically is to learn to appreciate the inner resources we?ve developed over the period of our lives - through wounding, difficulty, adventure and blessings - and to bring with all thoroughness those resources to bear in the face of what occurs.

Most certainly this in no way frees us from personal responsibility?for as we walk through the world ? for instance, with grace and gratitude or with disappointment and a sense of being a victim ? so the world will respond to us. We are reflected everywhere we go. Our energy vibrates from us like radio waves and though we may not actually see what?s vibrating from/through us, the waves are heard and felt by all those we encounter.

                       Illusion Lost ? It?s a ?good? thing?

This loss of the illusion of control can, in fact, free us from bondage to the mind. In an exhausted, exhausting world where mind is king this is quite a wondrous feat. But, illusory or not, giving up apparently ?real? control even of the ?little? things (as in, who likes/approves of us, precisely when that promotion is going to come through, and/or whether or not our partner is well-perceived by others), sets up the potential of facing the most disturbing truth of all ? that our lack of power over Life, also announces our lack of power over Death. Talk about a confronting idea! Most people would rather not think or speak of this truth at all, let alone profoundly entertain it. Note our excessive societal attachment to and deification of youth ? one of the more obvious rejections of Death?s inevitability.

                                                How and Why?                  

The relief, however, in looking this particular powerlessness dragon in the eye is palpable. It?s as in that dream where we?re being chased and we finally turn to look directly at our pursuer?inevitably the assailant shrinks and we are relieved of the fear.

Now, to get to this important appreciation, we must first surrender the precepts, constructs and concepts that have for so long buoyed us up. Of course it helps to know precisely what those long-held ideas are. Making a list of the kinds of things and situations that make us feel inadequate is a good place to start. Then recognizing what we do to brace against those inadequacy feelings is the next step.

                                                The Anger Response

Certainly it is not surprising that, most often, powerlessness makes us angry. This anger, however, we tend to interpret as being generated by particular circumstances and/or by other specific people. In fact, this is hardly ever true. Others/situations may be the inspiration, but they are rarely the ?problem?. Instead, our reactions are basically a reflection of an (primarily unexplored) anger we have towards ourselves. And the bigger these reactions are, the further back the unmet material likely goes.

Thus, when we feel inadequate (to control, fix, achieve, effect, manage) and are not able to withstand these inadequacy feelings we shake them off and onto others, like a dog shaking off excess hose water. This gives us a false, momentary adrenaline rush of power.  It doesn?t last long though ? so we tend to go to that angry pump up more and more often, the way an addict turns to increasing amounts of drugs.

                                                Any Port In A Storm

To make matters worse, the more inadequate we feel, the more we cling to any scrawny version of power ? like a drowning man clings to the side of a slowly leaking raft in a lonely, dark sea. We will rage, criticize, insist, become intractable and unteachable, take to our beds with overwhelm, etcetera.  But like everything else that is of the Ego ? inadequacy is an illusion too. Yes, some things we can do and some things we cannot do. Oh well. The problem is not that we are unable to affect a particular outcome, the problem is that we decide this inability reflects a basic lack of true value. It does not.

                             Better Yet - The Good News

The fact that truly facing our inevitable sense of powerlessness has the potential of opening us to new possibility and to the kind of awakened viewpoint that leads to a revitalized Life is thrilling. The fact that this confrontation is most likely - as with all difficult traverses - to include the kind of essential Ego wounding that brings us to our knees is somewhat terrifying. The more generously and non-prejudicially we can appreciate the whole truth both about ourselves and about our place in the world ? the dark and the light of us, the abilities and the incompetence?s ? the more Compassionately and Non-Judgmentally we can make our way through this extraordinary exploration called Life. Power. Powerlessness. Ah.